I had to claim the prize for being the last blogger to post about Tiger Woods.
The latest "news" article says his mistress total is now eleven.
For awhile I thought Tiger was a Democrat plant to take attention away from "Climategate," but now I realize that the main stream media needs no distraction to ignore Climategate. They only cover the news that suits their agenda.
Tiger's next will be number twelve.
I wonder if he will find they are "Cheaper by the Dozen?"
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Friday, December 26, 2008
Recession Murdered Today
The Recession met a horrible death today on the mean shopping streets of Walnut Creek, California. Mr. Recession was mugged on the sidewalks in front of high-end stores, and became roadkill on the streets connecting shopping centers. As I tried to get to the neighborhood Safeway in my unending daily quest to find the one perfect banana in northern California for Alice, I was stopped at a mid-block pedestrian crosswalk as a seemingly endless army of shoppers crossed, each carrying a bulging Crate & Barrel bag. I finally got through by impersonating a delivery truck. "There's a shopper at Nordstrom who won't make it if I don't get through with this special!" I implored, wheedled, and pleaded.
They let me pass as a humanitarian gesture. "I know you would do the same for me," a woman shouted. I forged ahead to Safeways, and found it packed with shoppers refueling for their next sorties. I thought the good citizens of Walnut Creek would shop until they dropped, but they have been forged in the heartland of world-class shoppers. There was no quit in them - no stopping, no dropping, just quality endurance shopping.
Mr. Recession never had a chance.
Recessions should be made of sterner stuff.
At least ones that invade northern California.
They let me pass as a humanitarian gesture. "I know you would do the same for me," a woman shouted. I forged ahead to Safeways, and found it packed with shoppers refueling for their next sorties. I thought the good citizens of Walnut Creek would shop until they dropped, but they have been forged in the heartland of world-class shoppers. There was no quit in them - no stopping, no dropping, just quality endurance shopping.
Mr. Recession never had a chance.
Recessions should be made of sterner stuff.
At least ones that invade northern California.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
John Kerry Christmas in Cambodia Commemoration
“It seems like yesterday
But it was long ago”
(from “Against the wind” [Bob Seger])
That’s right, forty years ago John Kerry and his Swift Boat spent Christmas Eve in Cambodia, listening to President Nixon telling the world there were no Americans in Cambodia. As the stealthy Swift Boat cruised up the Mekong, almost as ghostly silent as a diesel locomotive pulling the incline at Donner Pass, its crew apparently was regaled by the South Vietnamese drunkenly signing carols and exchanging Christmas presents, and occasionally firing a few shots in their direction.
On the floor of the Senate in 1986, Kerry made the following the centerpiece of a carefully prepared 20-minute oration against aid to the Nicaraguan contras:
"I remember Christmas of 1968 sitting on a gunboat in Cambodia. I remember what it was like to be shot at by Vietnamese and Khmer Rouge and Cambodians, and have the president of the United States telling the American people that I was not there; the troops were not in Cambodia. I have that memory which is seared -- seared -- in me."
Writing for the Boston Herald in October 1979, Mr. Kerry said this:
"I remember spending Christmas Eve of 1968 five miles across the Cambodian border being shot at by our South Vietnamese allies who were drunk and celebrating Christmas. The absurdity of almost being killed by our own allies in a country in which President Nixon claimed there were no American troops was very real."
It warms my heart thinking of the ecumenism of the predominantly non-Christian South Vietnamese so whole heartedly celebrating Christmas.
Although I was never there, after reading Kerry’s reminiscences it feels like I was. Such clarity, such detail, such historical significance!
I can hear John Kerry now, caroling back to the South Vietnamese:
“Christmas in Cambodia
With all the Swift Boaters I roam”
(adapted from “Christmas in Killarney)
But it was long ago”
(from “Against the wind” [Bob Seger])
That’s right, forty years ago John Kerry and his Swift Boat spent Christmas Eve in Cambodia, listening to President Nixon telling the world there were no Americans in Cambodia. As the stealthy Swift Boat cruised up the Mekong, almost as ghostly silent as a diesel locomotive pulling the incline at Donner Pass, its crew apparently was regaled by the South Vietnamese drunkenly signing carols and exchanging Christmas presents, and occasionally firing a few shots in their direction.
On the floor of the Senate in 1986, Kerry made the following the centerpiece of a carefully prepared 20-minute oration against aid to the Nicaraguan contras:
"I remember Christmas of 1968 sitting on a gunboat in Cambodia. I remember what it was like to be shot at by Vietnamese and Khmer Rouge and Cambodians, and have the president of the United States telling the American people that I was not there; the troops were not in Cambodia. I have that memory which is seared -- seared -- in me."
Writing for the Boston Herald in October 1979, Mr. Kerry said this:
"I remember spending Christmas Eve of 1968 five miles across the Cambodian border being shot at by our South Vietnamese allies who were drunk and celebrating Christmas. The absurdity of almost being killed by our own allies in a country in which President Nixon claimed there were no American troops was very real."
It warms my heart thinking of the ecumenism of the predominantly non-Christian South Vietnamese so whole heartedly celebrating Christmas.
Although I was never there, after reading Kerry’s reminiscences it feels like I was. Such clarity, such detail, such historical significance!
I can hear John Kerry now, caroling back to the South Vietnamese:
“Christmas in Cambodia
With all the Swift Boaters I roam”
(adapted from “Christmas in Killarney)
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Fred Thompson - how Obama and Democrats will save our economy
How can Americans rescue themselves from our failing economy?
This Fred Thompson video (click here) is so clear and succinct it leaves no room for doubt!
This Fred Thompson video (click here) is so clear and succinct it leaves no room for doubt!
Friday, May 23, 2008
SUVs on Jupiter and Mars!
The Earth has climate change - too many SUVs burning gas.
Mars and Jupiter have climate change - do they have too many SUVs too?
As Frank Sinatra sang (Fly me to the Moon): “Let me see what Spring is like on Jupiter and Mars.”
Well, Frank, we know it’s getting hotter.
Same where you are?
Jupiter is an enormous gas bag, like Al Gore. Could this be evidence that Al is an alien, perhaps our first Jupeterian?
Will they be sweltering on the rings of Saturn, with a hot breeze blowing up Uranus?
Mars and Jupiter have climate change - do they have too many SUVs too?
As Frank Sinatra sang (Fly me to the Moon): “Let me see what Spring is like on Jupiter and Mars.”
Well, Frank, we know it’s getting hotter.
Same where you are?
Jupiter is an enormous gas bag, like Al Gore. Could this be evidence that Al is an alien, perhaps our first Jupeterian?
Will they be sweltering on the rings of Saturn, with a hot breeze blowing up Uranus?
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
There Will Always be an England, Always Muddling Through
We showed up for our bus from the Heathrow Holiday Inn at 4:15 AM, and it showed up at 4:45 to take us to Heathrow for a 7:05 departure. Not to worry.
I had double-checked at the Holiday Inn desk that our flight on British Airways to Istanbul at 7:05 would leave from Terminal 1. When we got to Terminal 1, we found a long line of passengers waiting at the locked gate to the British Airways check-in area. At one side was another line, this one of British Airways employees waiting to go to work. No one had the key. Not to worry.
Finally the door was unlocked and we streamed inside, British Airways employees to one side of the check-in counters, passengers to the other. I asked an British Airways agent who appeared to be directing traffic where Alice and I should start. She informed us that we should start in Terminal 5, because British Airways flights to Istanbul no longer leave from Terminal 1 - and hadn’t for a long time. Not to worry.
If we passed back through Terminal 1 we would find a lift - elevator - to take us to the Express Train to Terminal 5. As we and several other distraught passengers wandered down a long corridor to the Express Train to Terminal 5, a Heathrow transportation specialist informed us that the trains were not running at the moment. He suggested we walk back partially through Terminal 1 and take the Underground to Terminal 5. Not to worry.
Fortunately a “wisdom of the crowd” enabled our group of confused and distraught passengers to make the correct turns and reach the Underground - Subway - to take us from Terminal 1 to Terminal 5. It is amazing how a group of people, not one of which knows the way through new territories, finds its way unerringly. Unerringly may not be a good word to use in context of going to the latest airport wonder of wonders, the infamous Heathrow Terminal 5, which commanded banner headlines for weeks after its opening two months ago because of the monumental foul-ups passengers and their baggage suffered in and through it. Not to worry.
We were in Terminal 5, human guinea pigs in the development of a new world being, World Traveler. Among many things, World Traveler will know how to do much travel processing itself. For example, it will know to go to small kiosks, scan in a passport page, and punch in flight information that will cause the production of boarding passes and other apparently necessary and perhaps even useful pieces of paper. From there you take it all to a Fast Bags station, where an attendant examines the papers and places a baggage tag on each piece of checked luggage.
Then we were directed to Security South, apparently because it was much farther away than Security North, where we tried to enter only to be chased away to the South. At this point I became alarmed about not having a gate assigned for our flight, and was told we would get it after Security. Not to worry.
The Security posts were all manned by Indians, Pakistanis, and South Africans, which meant they were all better and clearer speakers of English than our English speaking citizens working in Airport Security stateside, and far more polite.
We quickly exited Security, still without a gate assignment. Our flight number 678, British Airways to Istanbul, was on the board, but with no indicated gate. So with less than an hour to go to takeoff, we went to a snack shop for a light breakfast with a good view of the departure board. Not to worry.
As we finished breakfast, our gate assignment appeared, A20, only a short block equivalent away. I began to not worry.
All went well. Our hotel sent a driver who met us at the Istanbul Airport and whisked us to the Sumengen Hotel, three blocks from the Blue Mosque and only a couple more blocks to Aya Sophia. Suddenly all is easy and relaxed, and that worries me.
I had double-checked at the Holiday Inn desk that our flight on British Airways to Istanbul at 7:05 would leave from Terminal 1. When we got to Terminal 1, we found a long line of passengers waiting at the locked gate to the British Airways check-in area. At one side was another line, this one of British Airways employees waiting to go to work. No one had the key. Not to worry.
Finally the door was unlocked and we streamed inside, British Airways employees to one side of the check-in counters, passengers to the other. I asked an British Airways agent who appeared to be directing traffic where Alice and I should start. She informed us that we should start in Terminal 5, because British Airways flights to Istanbul no longer leave from Terminal 1 - and hadn’t for a long time. Not to worry.
If we passed back through Terminal 1 we would find a lift - elevator - to take us to the Express Train to Terminal 5. As we and several other distraught passengers wandered down a long corridor to the Express Train to Terminal 5, a Heathrow transportation specialist informed us that the trains were not running at the moment. He suggested we walk back partially through Terminal 1 and take the Underground to Terminal 5. Not to worry.
Fortunately a “wisdom of the crowd” enabled our group of confused and distraught passengers to make the correct turns and reach the Underground - Subway - to take us from Terminal 1 to Terminal 5. It is amazing how a group of people, not one of which knows the way through new territories, finds its way unerringly. Unerringly may not be a good word to use in context of going to the latest airport wonder of wonders, the infamous Heathrow Terminal 5, which commanded banner headlines for weeks after its opening two months ago because of the monumental foul-ups passengers and their baggage suffered in and through it. Not to worry.
We were in Terminal 5, human guinea pigs in the development of a new world being, World Traveler. Among many things, World Traveler will know how to do much travel processing itself. For example, it will know to go to small kiosks, scan in a passport page, and punch in flight information that will cause the production of boarding passes and other apparently necessary and perhaps even useful pieces of paper. From there you take it all to a Fast Bags station, where an attendant examines the papers and places a baggage tag on each piece of checked luggage.
Then we were directed to Security South, apparently because it was much farther away than Security North, where we tried to enter only to be chased away to the South. At this point I became alarmed about not having a gate assigned for our flight, and was told we would get it after Security. Not to worry.
The Security posts were all manned by Indians, Pakistanis, and South Africans, which meant they were all better and clearer speakers of English than our English speaking citizens working in Airport Security stateside, and far more polite.
We quickly exited Security, still without a gate assignment. Our flight number 678, British Airways to Istanbul, was on the board, but with no indicated gate. So with less than an hour to go to takeoff, we went to a snack shop for a light breakfast with a good view of the departure board. Not to worry.
As we finished breakfast, our gate assignment appeared, A20, only a short block equivalent away. I began to not worry.
All went well. Our hotel sent a driver who met us at the Istanbul Airport and whisked us to the Sumengen Hotel, three blocks from the Blue Mosque and only a couple more blocks to Aya Sophia. Suddenly all is easy and relaxed, and that worries me.
Friday, May 02, 2008
McCain Interview on MSNBC - Conservative Bloggers Rebel!
MSNBC trumps Neocons; bloggers rebel, By: Mike Combs May 2, 2008 01:01 PM EST
The nation’s top Republicans are suddenly rushing to appear on the low-rated Liberal news channel MSNBC, which they once had shunned as enemy territory and the nemesis of conservative bloggers.
The détente with this Liberal news channel has provoked a backlash from conservative bloggers, who contend the party’s leaders are turning their backs on the base — and lending credibility and legitimacy to the network conservatives love to hate — in a quest for a few swing votes.
In a span of eight days, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan have all taking their seats with the network that calls itself “fair and balanced sometimes” but is widely viewed as skewing wildly liberal.
With the party’s presidential contest reduced to watching the Democrats slice and dice each other, Republicans are turning to the ratings loser among cable news channels in a clear rebuff to the conservative activists known as the Neocons. Major Mike, founder of the leading conservative site in Gualala Strong as as Ox and Nearly as Smart, told his wife, Alice: "Republicans are being idiotic by going on that network.”
Alice replied: “MSNBC? Are they still on?”
A Net Movement Correspondent (whatever that is) told Strong as an Ox Etc. that conservative activists and the Neocons are “not happy about it.”
“I don’t think that it is tenable to completely neglect or ignore what your base wants,” the Correspondent said.
See Also
The Republican leaders’ new openness to MSNBC reflects the conservative right’s diminishing power, at least at this point in the political cycle. Once feared by the Republican candidate, these activists are now viewed at least in part as an impediment to winning the broad swatch of support needed to clinch the election.
Goaded in part by a taunting “Olbermann Is Watching You” clock displayed by MSNBC’s Countdown host Keith Olbermann, McCain appeared recently after resisting the show’s entreaties throughout the campaign. McCain had a civil interview with occasionally coherent host Keith Olbermann, who has always mocked all things Republican.
Early in this presidential race, John McCain led the Republican candidates in what amounted to a MSNBC boycott.
Roger Ailes, the president of Fox News, took McCain’s MSNBC interview in stride, commenting that more Democrats alone watch Fox than the total viewing audience for MSNBC regardless of party affiliation. Ailes further noted that MSNBC was Fox’s news competitor “only in their dreams.”
Recognizing that McCain’s appearance risked incurring blog wrath, a “senior McCain adviser” vowed to Major Mike of Strong as an Ox Etc. before the interview that the senator would “take MSNBC on” during the broadcast. But since no one watched the interview, Major Mike wrote that the pledge had turned out to be “as irrelevant as MSNBC.”
“This actually was good news for conservative bloggers who had worked very hard to get GOP’ers to boycott MSNBC. It was a good demonstration of its irrelevance, and we were wrong to criticize McCain for agreeing to appear in the first place,” Major Mike wrote.
Network records show that since the campaign began in January 2007, no one knows how many interviews McCain has given to MSNBC News anchors and correspondents, because no one gave a rat’s patootie.
(This report was adapted from Fox trumps Netroots; bloggers rebel By MIKE ALLEN 5/1/08 10:30 PM EST , and any copyright infringement, plagarism, or other screw ups are because of my carelessness and lack of scruples, and were not intentional because I have no idea what I'm doing, and I am therefore incapable of forming intent.)
The nation’s top Republicans are suddenly rushing to appear on the low-rated Liberal news channel MSNBC, which they once had shunned as enemy territory and the nemesis of conservative bloggers.
The détente with this Liberal news channel has provoked a backlash from conservative bloggers, who contend the party’s leaders are turning their backs on the base — and lending credibility and legitimacy to the network conservatives love to hate — in a quest for a few swing votes.
In a span of eight days, Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and Republican National Committee Chairman Mike Duncan have all taking their seats with the network that calls itself “fair and balanced sometimes” but is widely viewed as skewing wildly liberal.
With the party’s presidential contest reduced to watching the Democrats slice and dice each other, Republicans are turning to the ratings loser among cable news channels in a clear rebuff to the conservative activists known as the Neocons. Major Mike, founder of the leading conservative site in Gualala Strong as as Ox and Nearly as Smart, told his wife, Alice: "Republicans are being idiotic by going on that network.”
Alice replied: “MSNBC? Are they still on?”
A Net Movement Correspondent (whatever that is) told Strong as an Ox Etc. that conservative activists and the Neocons are “not happy about it.”
“I don’t think that it is tenable to completely neglect or ignore what your base wants,” the Correspondent said.
See Also
There goes nutty Jimmy Carter again
Elitist John McCain
Democrats are bitter whiners
The Republican leaders’ new openness to MSNBC reflects the conservative right’s diminishing power, at least at this point in the political cycle. Once feared by the Republican candidate, these activists are now viewed at least in part as an impediment to winning the broad swatch of support needed to clinch the election.
Goaded in part by a taunting “Olbermann Is Watching You” clock displayed by MSNBC’s Countdown host Keith Olbermann, McCain appeared recently after resisting the show’s entreaties throughout the campaign. McCain had a civil interview with occasionally coherent host Keith Olbermann, who has always mocked all things Republican.
Early in this presidential race, John McCain led the Republican candidates in what amounted to a MSNBC boycott.
Roger Ailes, the president of Fox News, took McCain’s MSNBC interview in stride, commenting that more Democrats alone watch Fox than the total viewing audience for MSNBC regardless of party affiliation. Ailes further noted that MSNBC was Fox’s news competitor “only in their dreams.”
Recognizing that McCain’s appearance risked incurring blog wrath, a “senior McCain adviser” vowed to Major Mike of Strong as an Ox Etc. before the interview that the senator would “take MSNBC on” during the broadcast. But since no one watched the interview, Major Mike wrote that the pledge had turned out to be “as irrelevant as MSNBC.”
“This actually was good news for conservative bloggers who had worked very hard to get GOP’ers to boycott MSNBC. It was a good demonstration of its irrelevance, and we were wrong to criticize McCain for agreeing to appear in the first place,” Major Mike wrote.
Network records show that since the campaign began in January 2007, no one knows how many interviews McCain has given to MSNBC News anchors and correspondents, because no one gave a rat’s patootie.
(This report was adapted from Fox trumps Netroots; bloggers rebel By MIKE ALLEN 5/1/08 10:30 PM EST , and any copyright infringement, plagarism, or other screw ups are because of my carelessness and lack of scruples, and were not intentional because I have no idea what I'm doing, and I am therefore incapable of forming intent.)
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Politically Incorrect Songs Mom Taught Me
The news the other day featured the huge, million-dollar mansion his parishioners were building Reverend Jeremiah Wright in Chicago, and it reminded my of a song my late mother wrote sixty years ago. It was a rousing pseudo-Negro spiritual she titled: “Sho’ Do Pay.” (Translation: It sure does pay).
The following is my best effort to reconstruct it from my memories of sixty years ago. I’m sure that somewhere in our boxes of family memorabilia I’ll find a copy of the words and music, but until then, this will have to do.
Mom’s allusions to Negro gambling, laziness, and religious cynicism would not play well in our politically correct world today, but were accepted as stereotypical humor then. You can mentally substitute Jimmy Swaggart, Jim and Tammy Faye Baker, or other get-rich-quick televangelists, and get the same effect. Without worrying about political correctness either, because white Christians are always fair game.
Just don’t mess with New Agers like Tony Robbins.
Mom was ahead of her time in commemorating in song the sordid wealth that would be showered on slick religious hypocrites. At the time she wrote this song, she may have read Sinclair Lewis’ “Elmer Gantry,” and probably read about Billy Sunday and Aimee Semple McPherson, but most probably she had heard of and observed things associated with religious revival meetings, and noted their similarities to the carnival sideshows and Snake Oil salesmen of her time.
And had she lived longer, to the Rev. Jeremiah Wrights of our time.
The following is my best effort to reconstruct it from my memories of sixty years ago. I’m sure that somewhere in our boxes of family memorabilia I’ll find a copy of the words and music, but until then, this will have to do.
Sho’ Do Pay
(To be sung in dialect with religious
fervor)
I got myself religion
The other day
Went down to the church house
And learned to pray
But there’s just one thing about it
I’d like to say
Oh Brothers and Sisters
Does it pay?
You can talk about your Moses
And you can talk about your Josephs
You can learn all the
Good Book has to say
Then you start in a cryin’
Lordy there’s no denying
That old time religion sho’ do pay.
We’ll roll mostly sevens
Way up thar in the Heavens
And we won’t have to work a single day
There’ll be ham and fried chicken
There’ll be no more pot lickin’
And Saint Pete will double all our pay.
So I’ll get me a Bible
And I’ll get me a hymn book
And I’ll learn all the Good Book has to say
Then I’ll start in a preachin’
And I’ll have a camp meetin’
‘Cause that old time religion sho’ do pay.
God you know I’m a sinner
But I’d sure like to enter
Them beautiful Pearly Gates someday.
(This is a fragment, and I don’t know where it goes in the sequence, or what comes before or after it.)
Mom’s allusions to Negro gambling, laziness, and religious cynicism would not play well in our politically correct world today, but were accepted as stereotypical humor then. You can mentally substitute Jimmy Swaggart, Jim and Tammy Faye Baker, or other get-rich-quick televangelists, and get the same effect. Without worrying about political correctness either, because white Christians are always fair game.
Just don’t mess with New Agers like Tony Robbins.
Mom was ahead of her time in commemorating in song the sordid wealth that would be showered on slick religious hypocrites. At the time she wrote this song, she may have read Sinclair Lewis’ “Elmer Gantry,” and probably read about Billy Sunday and Aimee Semple McPherson, but most probably she had heard of and observed things associated with religious revival meetings, and noted their similarities to the carnival sideshows and Snake Oil salesmen of her time.
And had she lived longer, to the Rev. Jeremiah Wrights of our time.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Hillary Clinton in Heaven
The Gualala Lions met last night, and our Tail Twister did an excellent job selling us raffle tickets, giving the invocation, conducting a trivia quiz and fining us for wrong answers, and awarding raffle tickets for correct responses. However, when it came time for the evening’s joke, he called on another Lion to deliver it.
Chuck was willing and eager for the task. It seems that Bill, Red, and I had been killed in an automobile accident and our souls departed immediately to claim our eternal rewards. St. Peter met us at the Gate and said, “Hold on, it’s not as easy as that. Come along now and follow me.”
St. Peter led us to a door and said, “Open it, Bill.”
Bill opened it, and inside was a huge, angry gorilla.
St. Peter turned to Bill and said, “Bill, you’re a sinner, and you’ll spend eternity with this gorilla.”
Uh oh. I had a feeling that my turn was next, and it was.
St. Peter said, “Mike, this door is yours, open it.”
Not waiting for Chuck to announce my fate, I cried out, “Oh no, it’s Hillary, isn’t it?” and sobbed as I buried my face in my hands.
Everyone burst out laughing, since my strong Republican sentiments are well known by all.
Chuck didn’t miss a beat.
“Mike, you’re a sinner, but not that bad,” said St. Peter. “It’s only a huge boa constrictor, and it’s your companion for eternity.”
“Thank God!” I gasped.
Then it was Red’s turn.
St Peter said, “This is your door, Red. Open it.”
Red opened the door, and there was Cindy Crawford stretched out on a bed wearing nothing but a skimpy negligee.
St. Peter: “Cindy Crawford, you’re a sinner.”
That almost brought the roof down.
Later last night, when I got home, I checked my email. There was a note from one of my friends.
“Hi Mike. I heard that you were living with Hillary Clinton, and calling it Heaven!”
Chuck was willing and eager for the task. It seems that Bill, Red, and I had been killed in an automobile accident and our souls departed immediately to claim our eternal rewards. St. Peter met us at the Gate and said, “Hold on, it’s not as easy as that. Come along now and follow me.”
St. Peter led us to a door and said, “Open it, Bill.”
Bill opened it, and inside was a huge, angry gorilla.
St. Peter turned to Bill and said, “Bill, you’re a sinner, and you’ll spend eternity with this gorilla.”
Uh oh. I had a feeling that my turn was next, and it was.
St. Peter said, “Mike, this door is yours, open it.”
Not waiting for Chuck to announce my fate, I cried out, “Oh no, it’s Hillary, isn’t it?” and sobbed as I buried my face in my hands.
Everyone burst out laughing, since my strong Republican sentiments are well known by all.
Chuck didn’t miss a beat.
“Mike, you’re a sinner, but not that bad,” said St. Peter. “It’s only a huge boa constrictor, and it’s your companion for eternity.”
“Thank God!” I gasped.
Then it was Red’s turn.
St Peter said, “This is your door, Red. Open it.”
Red opened the door, and there was Cindy Crawford stretched out on a bed wearing nothing but a skimpy negligee.
St. Peter: “Cindy Crawford, you’re a sinner.”
That almost brought the roof down.
Later last night, when I got home, I checked my email. There was a note from one of my friends.
“Hi Mike. I heard that you were living with Hillary Clinton, and calling it Heaven!”
Friday, August 10, 2007
Making The Army Of Reconquista
“Maria, it is your patriotic Mexicana duty to make a baby with me tonight.”
“Jose, you already have esposa y ocho niños in Mexico. You send them all your dinero except for what you spend on yourself y los prostitutas. I know why you want to go to bed with me. But why do you want to make a bebé?”
“Maria, you think I am just a peón, but I am a Reconquistadore, a gallant soldier in the Army of Reconquista. And tonight I want to enlist you in this noble cause”
“Last night Juan wanted me to go to his room too, but he didn’t say he wanted to ‘enlist’ me. He used a different word.”
“Juan is a selfish pig. He told you he would use a condom, so no bebé, verdad, is that not so? He wanted you for his pleasure only, I want you to show my patriotism.”
“Jose, last night I think Juan showed me a bigger patriotism than yours.”
“Maria, la Reconquista must have babies, mucho bebés. Very soon, maybe 15 years, the babies will be big, and they will have mucho bebés. Then, in 15 more years, mucho, mucho bebés! Comprende, Maria? In 50 years California will be just like Mexico!”
“Jose, are you loco? We came to California to get away from Mexico. What will we do when California is just as bad?”
“Maria, then we will go to New York. You will like it. For now, show me your patriotism.”
Saturday, July 28, 2007
President Reagan Smacks Down Hillary’s Public Service Academy
The Associated Press reported that Presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton told University of South Carolina student Democrats that she would create a national academy to train public servants.
"I'm going to be asking a new generation to serve," she said. "I think just like our military academies, we need to give a totally all-paid education to young men and women who will serve their country in a public service position."
If you want to talk about an idea whose time hasn’t come, and never will, this has to be on the top of the list.
Only a Democrat could love it.
As President Reagan said: “Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
These are words that would be emblazoned above the entrance to the Hillary Rodham Clinton Public Service Academy.
In the case of creating a national academy to train public servants, President Reagan also had an appropriate remark, which he originally aimed at Congress but which would apply equally well in this circumstance: “Cures were developed for which there were no known diseases.”
To me, the phrase “a totally all-paid education to young men and women who will serve their country in a public service position,” translates to a government funded indoctrination to create a new class, the new ruling class of government bureaucrats. This new government-created class would be untainted by exposure to the environments of big business, small business, entrepreneurial activity, military concerns, or even to the legal profession from whence come a disproportionate number of our current public servants.
In other words, before teaching them anything about management, the government would teach the members of its new class how government runs everything, and the word “privatize” would be stricken from their vocabulary.
However, as President Reagan reminded us: “We who live in free market societies believe that growth, prosperity and ultimately human fulfillment, are created from the bottom up, not the government down.”
Who would be the members of the new ruling class? Certainly not individuals like Hillary Clinton. Upon graduation from Wellesley, Hillary pursued the big bucks in law at the Rose Law Firm in Arkansas, the oldest law firm west of the Mississippi. When Bill Clinton became governor of Arkansas in 1979, Hillary became the first female partner in the history of the Rose Law Firm.
Since the Hillary Rodham Clintons of the world would not be the primary candidates for Hillary’s public service academy, I wonder who she thinks would?
I envision the prospective student body of the public service academy would be made up of individuals who couldn’t bear the stress and competitiveness of careers in business, medicine, law, and science, or even education. Further, I think they would be antagonistic towards business and the professions, and would be particularly concerned that they enjoyed too much freedom from governmental oversight, control, and regulation.
Why would I think they would be so anti-business? Because that’s already a hallmark of public servants, to be resentful and suspicious of anything that isn’t tightly regulated and controlled by government.
President Reagan noted that: “Government is the people's business and every man, woman and child becomes a shareholder with the first penny of tax paid.”
However, most public servants believe that people and business are not taxed enough, because government entities never feel that their budgets are sufficient.
To that, President Reagan would have remarked: “The size of the federal budget is not an appropriate barometer of social conscience or charitable concern.”
Obviously, Hillary feels differently, and wants to institutionalize public service, just as she disastrously attempted government control of health care during the first year of her husband’s presidency. Fortunately, she blundered so badly that the Democrats lost their forty-year dominance of Congress.
She doesn’t want to take the chance of that ever happening again, hence her desire to indoctrinate a ruling class in a “public service madrasah.”
As she told some of her supporters after her speech, one of the reasons she was running for president was to have universal health care.
As President Reagan would have said, “There you go again.”
"I'm going to be asking a new generation to serve," she said. "I think just like our military academies, we need to give a totally all-paid education to young men and women who will serve their country in a public service position."
If you want to talk about an idea whose time hasn’t come, and never will, this has to be on the top of the list.
Only a Democrat could love it.
As President Reagan said: “Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
These are words that would be emblazoned above the entrance to the Hillary Rodham Clinton Public Service Academy.
In the case of creating a national academy to train public servants, President Reagan also had an appropriate remark, which he originally aimed at Congress but which would apply equally well in this circumstance: “Cures were developed for which there were no known diseases.”
To me, the phrase “a totally all-paid education to young men and women who will serve their country in a public service position,” translates to a government funded indoctrination to create a new class, the new ruling class of government bureaucrats. This new government-created class would be untainted by exposure to the environments of big business, small business, entrepreneurial activity, military concerns, or even to the legal profession from whence come a disproportionate number of our current public servants.
In other words, before teaching them anything about management, the government would teach the members of its new class how government runs everything, and the word “privatize” would be stricken from their vocabulary.
However, as President Reagan reminded us: “We who live in free market societies believe that growth, prosperity and ultimately human fulfillment, are created from the bottom up, not the government down.”
Who would be the members of the new ruling class? Certainly not individuals like Hillary Clinton. Upon graduation from Wellesley, Hillary pursued the big bucks in law at the Rose Law Firm in Arkansas, the oldest law firm west of the Mississippi. When Bill Clinton became governor of Arkansas in 1979, Hillary became the first female partner in the history of the Rose Law Firm.
Since the Hillary Rodham Clintons of the world would not be the primary candidates for Hillary’s public service academy, I wonder who she thinks would?
I envision the prospective student body of the public service academy would be made up of individuals who couldn’t bear the stress and competitiveness of careers in business, medicine, law, and science, or even education. Further, I think they would be antagonistic towards business and the professions, and would be particularly concerned that they enjoyed too much freedom from governmental oversight, control, and regulation.
Why would I think they would be so anti-business? Because that’s already a hallmark of public servants, to be resentful and suspicious of anything that isn’t tightly regulated and controlled by government.
President Reagan noted that: “Government is the people's business and every man, woman and child becomes a shareholder with the first penny of tax paid.”
However, most public servants believe that people and business are not taxed enough, because government entities never feel that their budgets are sufficient.
To that, President Reagan would have remarked: “The size of the federal budget is not an appropriate barometer of social conscience or charitable concern.”
Obviously, Hillary feels differently, and wants to institutionalize public service, just as she disastrously attempted government control of health care during the first year of her husband’s presidency. Fortunately, she blundered so badly that the Democrats lost their forty-year dominance of Congress.
She doesn’t want to take the chance of that ever happening again, hence her desire to indoctrinate a ruling class in a “public service madrasah.”
As she told some of her supporters after her speech, one of the reasons she was running for president was to have universal health care.
As President Reagan would have said, “There you go again.”
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Sheryl Crow Way to Wipe Out Male Poverty
Toilet Paper Use Offset Marketing
Borrowed from Are We Lumberjacks
The Liberals who want us out of their bedrooms (but then post videos of what goes on there all over the Internet) now want to get into our bathrooms.
Sheryl Crow, who uses her celebrity to showcase her intellect, wants to limit the toilet paper we use to one square per bathroom visit.
Since guys often don’t use any on many of their bathroom visits, isn’t this placing an unfair burden on women? I’ll be glad to sell “toilet paper use offsets.”
According to another Liberal intellectual, Rosie, her description of her needs based on her physiognomy would indicate there will be a vast demand for “toilet paper use offsets.”
It reminds me of the story my buddy Arthur told me of going through British Army training during World War II. At that time, just about everything, including toilet paper, was in short supply and rationed. The British had to stand in line to buy anything worth purchasing. It was said the British had their own national letter, the “queue.”
At any rate, Arthur’s training sergeant called his group to attention in formation, to inform them that they were violating the restriction on use of toilet paper of three squares: “One to wipe with, and two to polish off!”
I’ll be thinking of Sheryl Crow and her unpolished bottom whenever I hear that she and her entourage are on tour, with their four buses, three tractor trailers, and six cars, or as I hear her chartered Gulfstream jetting overhead.
I'll gladly deposit the checks she and Al Gore send me for the carbon offsets I sell them from my hundred redwood trees, and add to that the checks for the toilet paper use offsets.
Global warming is a swindle, but with Liberal intellectuals like Sheryl Crow leading the way, the profit potential is half vast, or in the case of Rosie, vast indeed.
UPDATE: "We're just so happy that people are talking about global warming, even if it's brought on by a joke," Crow told ABC News.
Aside from the fact that the news and commentary is "all global warming, all the time," and only skepticism about global warming doesn't get heard, we all got a laugh at, or with, Sheryl Crow. Now we are still wondering about the carbon credits or offsets - farce or swindle?
ABC, rather than noticing all the equipment used to transport Crow and show, chose to mention their "environmentally friendly biodiesel bus." Since I just read articles about how environmentally unfriendly biodiesel is, with the high particulate and nitrogen oxide emissions characteristic of diesels (toxic soot and smog forming emissions exceed gasoline engines), and the small decrease in CO2 they achieve, I can only conclude that when doing interviews, it is best to limit yourself to ignorant or supporting "news" networks.
Even the radical Concerned Scientists are wary of biodiesel, and other environmentalists are concerned about increased production of biodiesel causing loss of habitat, and increased pollution from fertilizer and pesticide use.
I might add that with the scarcity of water and food in many parts of the world, the increased competition for resources to grow non-food along with food crops, and meet increasing urban needs for safe and reliable water supplies, will create more problems by producing biodiesel than would be solved.
Don't tell ABC that it is dumb to have their entertainment reporters handle their science reporting, just as it is dumb for the global warming crowd to grab most of their headlines with celebrity airheads.
Please click on the labels below to see all my articles on these topics.
Borrowed from Are We Lumberjacks
The Liberals who want us out of their bedrooms (but then post videos of what goes on there all over the Internet) now want to get into our bathrooms.
Sheryl Crow, who uses her celebrity to showcase her intellect, wants to limit the toilet paper we use to one square per bathroom visit.
Since guys often don’t use any on many of their bathroom visits, isn’t this placing an unfair burden on women? I’ll be glad to sell “toilet paper use offsets.”
According to another Liberal intellectual, Rosie, her description of her needs based on her physiognomy would indicate there will be a vast demand for “toilet paper use offsets.”
It reminds me of the story my buddy Arthur told me of going through British Army training during World War II. At that time, just about everything, including toilet paper, was in short supply and rationed. The British had to stand in line to buy anything worth purchasing. It was said the British had their own national letter, the “queue.”
At any rate, Arthur’s training sergeant called his group to attention in formation, to inform them that they were violating the restriction on use of toilet paper of three squares: “One to wipe with, and two to polish off!”
I’ll be thinking of Sheryl Crow and her unpolished bottom whenever I hear that she and her entourage are on tour, with their four buses, three tractor trailers, and six cars, or as I hear her chartered Gulfstream jetting overhead.
I'll gladly deposit the checks she and Al Gore send me for the carbon offsets I sell them from my hundred redwood trees, and add to that the checks for the toilet paper use offsets.
Global warming is a swindle, but with Liberal intellectuals like Sheryl Crow leading the way, the profit potential is half vast, or in the case of Rosie, vast indeed.
UPDATE: "We're just so happy that people are talking about global warming, even if it's brought on by a joke," Crow told ABC News.
Aside from the fact that the news and commentary is "all global warming, all the time," and only skepticism about global warming doesn't get heard, we all got a laugh at, or with, Sheryl Crow. Now we are still wondering about the carbon credits or offsets - farce or swindle?
ABC, rather than noticing all the equipment used to transport Crow and show, chose to mention their "environmentally friendly biodiesel bus." Since I just read articles about how environmentally unfriendly biodiesel is, with the high particulate and nitrogen oxide emissions characteristic of diesels (toxic soot and smog forming emissions exceed gasoline engines), and the small decrease in CO2 they achieve, I can only conclude that when doing interviews, it is best to limit yourself to ignorant or supporting "news" networks.
Even the radical Concerned Scientists are wary of biodiesel, and other environmentalists are concerned about increased production of biodiesel causing loss of habitat, and increased pollution from fertilizer and pesticide use.
I might add that with the scarcity of water and food in many parts of the world, the increased competition for resources to grow non-food along with food crops, and meet increasing urban needs for safe and reliable water supplies, will create more problems by producing biodiesel than would be solved.
Don't tell ABC that it is dumb to have their entertainment reporters handle their science reporting, just as it is dumb for the global warming crowd to grab most of their headlines with celebrity airheads.
Please click on the labels below to see all my articles on these topics.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
The Devil Made Me Do It
In a previous post I modestly answered the burning question of whether mankind has free will or if all is divinely preordained by asking the simple question, “How would a perfect God decide the issue?” The answer was simple.
We simply have free will.
Simple inquiry can solve all sorts of burning questions.
If God is perfect, can the Devil exist? Of course not! Remember, if God exists, God is perfect, and God has existed for all time, and created all things. Why would such an all knowing, all seeing, all powerful God create a Devil to vex mankind? Since God would know the works of such a Devil, his creation, why create it? To see if what God knows will happen, will happen? Where’s the logic to that?
God, if Devils you must have, just give man free will, and he will find Devils enough.
Since man made God in his image, it has always been a temptation of men to give him human frailties. However, as each new religion trumped the ones that came before, God evolved to perfection. Gone now are the lusting, scheming, envious, and duplicitous gods of the Greeks and Romans. They were a lot of fun, but were fatally flawed. Now only the Hindu have fun gods, although Vishnu appears to have evolved to the top of the lot. However, since Vishnu has many avatars or incarnations, the Hindu religion never gets as dull and boring as the monotheistic ones.
Be that as it may, these very entertaining early religions, by featuring a Top God – Zeus, Jove, Thor, Aton Ra, and etc., contained the seed of the evolution of a Supreme Being. Soon the Jews believed in only one God, who was perfect in all ways. Christians believed the same, except they differed from Jews in that they believed Jesus was the long awaited Messiah, and the Jews are still waiting. Muslims incorporated all that came before from the Jews and Christians, then declared some of the teachings of God were lost and corrupted by man, leaving only the Quran as the perfect, unchanged and uncorrupted word of God.
Unfortunately, since God had to transmit his word through the Angel Gabriel to Muhammad, clearly an imperfect being based on the evidence of history, it is corrupted too. The Satanic verses and other mistakes are simple and clear proof that the Quran, like the Torah and Bible before it, is flawed and therefore could not be the uncorrupted teachings of a perfect God.
Returning to the point of this discussion, such things as the existence of a Devil or two or more would be a mistake, another proof of imperfection that is incompatible with the God we created.
Therefore, the Devil is obviously a creation of man to place the blame for his sins on “evil forces,” and not on his own weaknesses and failings. “The Devil made me do it.”
Baloney! Or “bologna!” for the purists among us, and “BS!” for the impurists.
Friday, November 10, 2006
Free Will Or Preordination?
FOXTROT, by Bill Amend
Jason: Go Deep.
Marcus: How can free will coexist with divine preordination?
Jason: Too deep.
Marcus: If Batman died, would the Joker be happy?
Do we have free will, or is everything preordained?
A bright fellow suggested the following simple test to prove we have free will: stick your finger in the air, and choose whether to hold it still or wag it. Which ever you do proves you had free will to chose.
In all respect, what a horrible attempt at proof. With the wagging or non-wagging finger still held high, the believer in preordination would say, “Whichever you did, it was God’s will.”
To prove or disprove free will vs. preordination, you have to use the framework of the believers in preordination, not that of the convinced skeptics.
It is actually extremely simple to prove free will if you use the arguments of the believers in an omnipotent God, and none believe more in a perfect deity than Muslims. They believe Allah is perfect, and will demand the death of any who say otherwise, be it a learned Muslim like Salman Rushdie, or some freedom loving Danish cartoonists.
Part of being a perfect god is being the instrument of absolutely everything that happens. So if you have a perfect god, you have preordination, right?
Wrong, you have the proof of free will!
It’s very simple. Perfect gods do not sin. In fact, gods establish punishments for sinning, some of which can be severe. For example, eternity in Hell, or wearing a burka in August.
Would a perfect god sin by making one of his believers sin, and then would this perfect god punish the believer for all eternity for doing what god made him do?
Of course not! The only explanation for sin is free will.
Any other explanation requires god to be petty, a bored deity, playing with his/her/its creations like a child with dolls or toy soldiers.
You might call such a god fun loving, or vicious, or capricious, or a lot of other things, but you never accuse such a god of perfection.
So, sinners, you have free will.
The Devil didn't make you do it.
The credit is all yours.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Today's Music Sucks
Who would have thought I would sit down to watch Monday Night Football, the New Orleans Saints and the Atlanta Falcons, and come away a music critic? In the pre-game show and at halftime U2 and Green Day were the featured performers. The crowd was ecstatic, why I do not know. The musicianship, the songs, and the singers were tried by me and found wanting. The songs were imminently forgettable, the singers were unremarkable, and the band featured pedestrian guitars and drums. The only real animation was provided by one drummer, but the quality of his drumming didn't match his energy level.
By way of contrast and comparison, the TV (ESPN) pre-game show included a black congregation with choir singing "When The Saints Go Marching In," and it was fabulous. Then Irma Thomas and Allen Toussaint performed a first-rate rendition of the National Anthem. Even Hank Williams Jr. sounded really good in comparison to U2 and Green Day. While he and other singers and dancers were doing a high-energy "Are You Ready For Some Football," the flashes of Little Richard pounding the piano and beaming at the camera were much too brief. It looked and sounded like they were all having a lot of fun.
I feel sorry for today's young people. Their music is so poor, so insipid, that it won't even pass over to the Other Side after it dies and become elevator music. It is stillborn.
By way of contrast and comparison, the TV (ESPN) pre-game show included a black congregation with choir singing "When The Saints Go Marching In," and it was fabulous. Then Irma Thomas and Allen Toussaint performed a first-rate rendition of the National Anthem. Even Hank Williams Jr. sounded really good in comparison to U2 and Green Day. While he and other singers and dancers were doing a high-energy "Are You Ready For Some Football," the flashes of Little Richard pounding the piano and beaming at the camera were much too brief. It looked and sounded like they were all having a lot of fun.
I feel sorry for today's young people. Their music is so poor, so insipid, that it won't even pass over to the Other Side after it dies and become elevator music. It is stillborn.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
When A Democrat Lies, A Kitten Dies
A female cat, her mate, and all of her offspring, producing 2 litters per year, with a survival rate of 2.8 kittens per litter, can produce over 65 million cats in ten years. Since there are millions of fertile pussies out there, why aren’t we up to our hats in cats?
I stumbled upon the answer to this question when subscribers to Fark.com linked to my “Clinton Lied, People Died” article. On Fark.com they had already established a link between an act that has nothing to do with cats, and the death of kittens. (To solve the mystery, go to Fark.com, and scroll down about seven bullets to "Killing Kittens.")
Suddenly it was obvious to me why the uncontrollable feral cat population was under control. What is the most frequent act known to mankind? Wrong, and get your mind out of the gutter!
It’s Democratic leaders telling lies. When did we really start to get cat overpopulation under control? During the Clinton administration! Starting with “Hillarycare,” and really picking up momentum with Monica, the feral cat population began a precipitous decline. When Al Gore campaigned, followed by John Kerry, and then Kerry started talking about his Viet Nam experiences – “I remember Christmas of 1968 sitting on a gunboat in Cambodia. I remember what it was like to be shot at by Vietnamese and Khmer Rouge and Cambodians, and have the president of the United States telling the American people that I was not there; the troops were not in Cambodia. I have that memory which is seared -- seared -- in me.“ – feral cats became candidates for the Endangered Species List.
With Howard Dean leading the Democratic Party, and Nancy Pelosi trying to portray Democrats as effective and caring about national security, I’m afraid wild pussies are doomed.
I’ll really miss their lovemaking screeches in the night, sounding like Hillary Clinton talking about tax cuts.
I stumbled upon the answer to this question when subscribers to Fark.com linked to my “Clinton Lied, People Died” article. On Fark.com they had already established a link between an act that has nothing to do with cats, and the death of kittens. (To solve the mystery, go to Fark.com, and scroll down about seven bullets to "Killing Kittens.")
Suddenly it was obvious to me why the uncontrollable feral cat population was under control. What is the most frequent act known to mankind? Wrong, and get your mind out of the gutter!
It’s Democratic leaders telling lies. When did we really start to get cat overpopulation under control? During the Clinton administration! Starting with “Hillarycare,” and really picking up momentum with Monica, the feral cat population began a precipitous decline. When Al Gore campaigned, followed by John Kerry, and then Kerry started talking about his Viet Nam experiences – “I remember Christmas of 1968 sitting on a gunboat in Cambodia. I remember what it was like to be shot at by Vietnamese and Khmer Rouge and Cambodians, and have the president of the United States telling the American people that I was not there; the troops were not in Cambodia. I have that memory which is seared -- seared -- in me.“ – feral cats became candidates for the Endangered Species List.
With Howard Dean leading the Democratic Party, and Nancy Pelosi trying to portray Democrats as effective and caring about national security, I’m afraid wild pussies are doomed.
I’ll really miss their lovemaking screeches in the night, sounding like Hillary Clinton talking about tax cuts.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Murder by Wasabi
We hadn’t been married a year before Alice tried to poison me. Alice’s favorite food is sushi, and one evening she made sushi at home for us. When you’re not a highly trained and experienced Japanese sushi cook, sushi is very time consuming to prepare. So time consuming that it was an hour past our normal (late) dinnertime, and Alice was still preparing sushi. She had made enough for one person, as long as that person was very small with a tiny appetite. At the same time, we had prepared to eat our sushi dinner in the family room, because it was Monday Night Football, which I never willingly missed. Realizing she still needed more time to prepare enough sushi for two, Alice told me to begin without her. I dutifully sat down in front of the TV and cleaned my plate, although after a few bites the thought did enter my head that I hoped from now on we would go out for sushi.
Quite a while after I finished, Alice sat down to her dinner. She took one bite and spit it out. “This is awful!” she shouted. “How could you eat this stuff?”
I admitted that I thought it tasted bad, particularly the wasabi, which didn’t look right after I mixed it with soy sauce.
“Oh my God!” Alice exclaimed, “The wasabi was old, I don’t think I kept it refrigerated, and it will make you really sick! I can’t believe you could eat it without throwing up.”
Actually, I wasn’t surprised. Pop had taught me that, no matter what, you always eat what the cook prepares, then compliment the cook. No matter what.
Pop’s training came in handy many times. As I traveled in strange lands, and ate strange foods in strange places, I never failed to eat hearty, and the food never made me sick. This gave me a real advantage over many of my fellow Yanks. Some of them got sick just looking at the food, which meant a bigger share for me. “How can you eat that stuff?” they asked weakly, as I wolfed down my share and theirs too.
“Tastes OK to me,” I’d say, and take another bite as they turned their faces away.
“Oh Honey,” cried Alice, “I’m afraid I’ve poisoned you.”
Perhaps she had poisoned me, but I felt fine. By then Monday Night Football was over. In those days I had to wake up at 5 AM to get to work on time at Lockheed in Sunnyvale, 45 miles from Livermore over commuter-clogged freeways, so I excused myself to go to sleep. Alice was afraid that if I went to sleep, I wouldn’t wake up. At first she wanted to keep me awake, but as always, I fell asleep when my head hit the pillow.
Alice watched me sleep for awhile, and then started to doze off herself. As time passed she became more worried that I would die in my sleep, so she finally called the Emergency Desk at Kaiser Permanente. Alice explained to the Emergency Nurse that I had eaten my whole meal before she ate a bite, and that the wasabi was so bad she had to spit it out.
“What should I do?” Alice asked. “Should I take my husband to the hospital? Is there some medicine he could take? Should he try to vomit it up before it poisons him?”
The nurse tried to calm Alice, and told her that all she needed to do was observe me and see if I had stomach distress, such as cramps or nausea. She assured Alice that, if the wasabi made me sick, I would wake up and vomit, not die in my sleep.
Alice thanked the nurse for her patience and reassurance, and hung up the phone.
Then she stayed awake most of the night watching me sleep peacefully.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Gopher Capital Of The World?
Point Arena should be famous for its gophers. Not because there is anything special about them, just that there are so many of them. In fact, Point Arena is gopher heaven. When Ron and I were digging the basement for our house, I noticed the dark top soil was a couple of feet thick, great for plants, which made it great for gophers too.
Pop was raised on a farm near Bakersfield, and he liked to grow vegetables. Of course, gophers like to eat vegetables. Pop worked on the garden evenings and weekends, the gophers ate in the garden around the clock, seven days a week. The gophers’ fondness for his garden irritated Pop. At first Pop thought that he could get rid of the gophers through reason. Gophers could detect approaching danger by the vibrations they felt thorough the soil. So Pop decided to rig some windmills that would rattle on top of the fence posts surrounding the garden, and this would cause the gophers to reason that they were always in danger. It didn’t work. Our property was at the southern end of Windy Hollow, and the wind never stops blowing across it. The gophers quickly got used to the constant vibrations from the windmills, and the fact that nothing bad happened, and just tuned the “danger” out.
It did not take long before Pop concluded that you could not reason with gophers, you have to kill them. His attempts at drowning them with water, or asphyxiating them with the exhaust from our old Chevy, didn’t seem to make a difference, so Pop started trapping them. The wire gopher traps that impaled the gopher as he worked at his tunnel end worked pretty well. The traps were simple and inexpensive. The only problem with them was they were labor intensive. You had to locate a fresh mound, open it, and set and anchor the trap. And reset it if the gopher pushed dirt into it and triggered it before he was in the danger zone. Of course, you also had to remove the dead gophers when the trap succeeded.
Soon Pop had a brilliant idea. He had spare change in his pockets, but not much spare time. Ron and I had a lot of spare time, and were usually broke or close to it. Pop proposed paying us a dime a gopher tail, and we gladly accepted. We set all of Pop’s traps, and borrowed several traps from neighbors. Soon we were trapping gophers to the tune of about a dollar a day. However, after just a couple of weeks our gopher trapping income started to fall – we were running out of gophers. But we had gotten into a habit of luxurious living because of the gopher money, and we didn’t want to reduce our new lifestyle. The cherry coke after school at Titus’ Sweet Shop, a bag of popcorn before going to the Point Arena Theater, and a Cherry-a-let candy bar after the movie. It hadn’t taken long for us to add these luxuries to our expectations. Now the gopher shortage was threatening to take all this away.
About that time we noticed that there was not a gopher shortage on the neighboring properties. Then it dawned on us that as long as there were gophers living next door, they could easily invade and destroy the garden. So without knowing the word “preemptive,” we launched a preemptive attack on the neighbors’ gophers. We soon had our income back to about a dollar a day, and Pop (and his neighbors) had some of the most productive vegetable gardens ever grown in Point Arena.
Sad to say, fifty years have passed and the gophers have recovered and then some. Just recently a high school football game had to be moved because the gophers had taken over the football field. Alice and I were on the School Board when the gophers in the football field problem came up, and one estimate of the cost of solving the problem was $250,000. The days when gophers could be eliminated for ten cents each were long gone.
(The San Francisco Chronicle, where Leftist opinion parades as news, has an article about gopher control without poisons in its 4 March 2006 issue that I spotted a few hours after I posted this. The bottom line - trapping works, if you keep at it.)
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
The Money Keeps Rolling In!
This has really been my year! Just over a month ago I won $1,843,210.00 in a lottery I never entered, and now I find I have won $2,322,353.54 in another lottery I didn’t buy anything to enter. I’ll tell you for a fact that not buying lottery tickets is getting me a lot more winners than buying lottery tickets ever did. I bought one once, and didn’t win a thing. I still mourn the loss of that dollar.
From just the past month alone, the riches have been piling up. For example:
From Iraq, Aisha Mohammed proposes a fair negotiated percentage of $11,000,000.
Stanly Edward, from Republic of Cote d'Ivoire, and his family are giving me 20% of $12,500,000 ($2,500,000).
Mr. Chiwetalu Philips Onuma, an accountant officer with Intercontinental Bank,Plc (I.B.P) branch in Dakar Senegal, is giving me 40% of $18,200,000 ($7,280,000).
Fatou, the daughter of Mr.Sanha from republic of Guinee Bissau, is getting me to help her invest $5,300,000.
Mr. Nana Boatin, the Manager, Brokerage and Investments, Bank Guarantee Ltd, Accra, Ghana, is giving me 30% of $3,950,000 ($1,185,000).
At this rate, I may quit my day job.
Of course, one of the conditions of these deals is that I keep them top secret. Therefore, I sent them the following assurance.
Dear Patrons:
Since no one reads my blog, our secrets are safe.
/signed/
Strong Ox
This is the latest:
LOTERIA LA PRIMITIVA
primitivastrikexx@excite.com
LOTERIA DE LA PRIMITIVA
AVNIDA DE AMERICA,
137MADRID - SPAIN
FROM: THE DESK OF THE PROMOTIONS MANAGER, INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT,
AWARD WINNING NOTIFICATION LETTER
YOUR REF: LP/26510460037/06
YOUR BATCH: 24/00319/IPD
We are pleased to inform you of the announcement, of winners of the LOTTERY PRIMITIVA SWEEPSTAKES/INTERNATIONAL PROGRAMS held on 4th december,2005. the late release of this result was due to difficulties encountered in sorting out mixed up numbers and email addresses, that´s why we have been working 24 hours to see that everything is ok. Your email address name attached to ticket number 025 11464992-750 with serial number 2113-05 drew the lucky number 3-18-19-30-32-39, which consequently won the lottery in the 3rd category. You are therefore have been approved for the lump sum pay out of euros 1.847,824 (ONE MILLION EIGHT HUNDERD AND FOURTY SEVEEN THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED AND TWENTY FOUR EUROS ONLY.) in cash credited to the file REF: P/26510460037/04,BATCH: 24/00319/IPD.
This is from a total prize of euros 26,299,000.00 shared among the seventeen (17)International winners in this category. CONGRATULATION! Your fund is now deposited with a Security Company EURO SECURITY AND INSURANCE .S.A.. Due to the mixed up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep this award a top secret from the public notice until your claim as been processed and your prize money remitted to your account as this is a part of our Security protocol to avoid double claiming award or unwarranted taking advantage of this program by participants. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 25,000 email addresses, names from Australia, USA, Europe, Asia, New Zealand, Middle-East and South-North America .
As part of our international promotions program, which we conducted once in a year. We hope with a part of your prize, you will take part in our end of the year high stake euros 300 Million International Lottery. To begin your claim, please contact the issuing authority, your prize claim agent, Mr.MICHEAL SARDA, (Foreign Operational Manager) Tel: 0034 630212176, Email:primitivastrike@excite.com. with the following informations.
YOUR NAME:
YOUR ADDRESS:
YOUR TEL/FAX:
YOUR AGE:
YOUR REFERENCE NO:
YOUR BATCH NO:
YOUR SEX:
YOUR OCCUPATION:
Remember, all prize money must be claimed not later than the 22nd of DICEMBER 2006. After this date, all funds will be returned as unclaimed. Note: In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please remember to quote your reference and batch numbers in every of your correspondence with your agent.if not you reply will not be answered for security reasons Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform your claims agent as soon as possible. Please remember to quote your reference and batch number in all your correspondence Congratulation again from all member of our staff and thank you for been part of our promotion program.
Best regards, MR RUBEN GARCIA.
Foreign Operational Manager
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
At your disposal, I remain.
Very Truly Yours,
MR PABLO SANCHEZ.
Lottery Co-ordinator.
calle portugal
no 20 fuenlabradaMadrid-España
SPAINWarning!!!: Fraudulent emails are circulating that appear to be using National Lottery addresses, but are not from The National Lottery.PLEASE REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO: CUSTOMER CARE/COMPLAINTS DEPT:CUSTOMERCARE@EXCITE.COM
From just the past month alone, the riches have been piling up. For example:
From Iraq, Aisha Mohammed proposes a fair negotiated percentage of $11,000,000.
Stanly Edward, from Republic of Cote d'Ivoire, and his family are giving me 20% of $12,500,000 ($2,500,000).
Mr. Chiwetalu Philips Onuma, an accountant officer with Intercontinental Bank,Plc (I.B.P) branch in Dakar Senegal, is giving me 40% of $18,200,000 ($7,280,000).
Fatou, the daughter of Mr.Sanha from republic of Guinee Bissau, is getting me to help her invest $5,300,000.
Mr. Nana Boatin, the Manager, Brokerage and Investments, Bank Guarantee Ltd, Accra, Ghana, is giving me 30% of $3,950,000 ($1,185,000).
At this rate, I may quit my day job.
Of course, one of the conditions of these deals is that I keep them top secret. Therefore, I sent them the following assurance.
Dear Patrons:
Since no one reads my blog, our secrets are safe.
/signed/
Strong Ox
This is the latest:
LOTERIA LA PRIMITIVA
primitivastrikexx@excite.com
LOTERIA DE LA PRIMITIVA
AVNIDA DE AMERICA,
137MADRID - SPAIN
FROM: THE DESK OF THE PROMOTIONS MANAGER, INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT,
AWARD WINNING NOTIFICATION LETTER
YOUR REF: LP/26510460037/06
YOUR BATCH: 24/00319/IPD
We are pleased to inform you of the announcement, of winners of the LOTTERY PRIMITIVA SWEEPSTAKES/INTERNATIONAL PROGRAMS held on 4th december,2005. the late release of this result was due to difficulties encountered in sorting out mixed up numbers and email addresses, that´s why we have been working 24 hours to see that everything is ok. Your email address name attached to ticket number 025 11464992-750 with serial number 2113-05 drew the lucky number 3-18-19-30-32-39, which consequently won the lottery in the 3rd category. You are therefore have been approved for the lump sum pay out of euros 1.847,824 (ONE MILLION EIGHT HUNDERD AND FOURTY SEVEEN THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED AND TWENTY FOUR EUROS ONLY.) in cash credited to the file REF: P/26510460037/04,BATCH: 24/00319/IPD.
This is from a total prize of euros 26,299,000.00 shared among the seventeen (17)International winners in this category. CONGRATULATION! Your fund is now deposited with a Security Company EURO SECURITY AND INSURANCE .S.A.. Due to the mixed up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep this award a top secret from the public notice until your claim as been processed and your prize money remitted to your account as this is a part of our Security protocol to avoid double claiming award or unwarranted taking advantage of this program by participants. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 25,000 email addresses, names from Australia, USA, Europe, Asia, New Zealand, Middle-East and South-North America .
As part of our international promotions program, which we conducted once in a year. We hope with a part of your prize, you will take part in our end of the year high stake euros 300 Million International Lottery. To begin your claim, please contact the issuing authority, your prize claim agent, Mr.MICHEAL SARDA, (Foreign Operational Manager) Tel: 0034 630212176, Email:primitivastrike@excite.com. with the following informations.
YOUR NAME:
YOUR ADDRESS:
YOUR TEL/FAX:
YOUR AGE:
YOUR REFERENCE NO:
YOUR BATCH NO:
YOUR SEX:
YOUR OCCUPATION:
Remember, all prize money must be claimed not later than the 22nd of DICEMBER 2006. After this date, all funds will be returned as unclaimed. Note: In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please remember to quote your reference and batch numbers in every of your correspondence with your agent.if not you reply will not be answered for security reasons Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform your claims agent as soon as possible. Please remember to quote your reference and batch number in all your correspondence Congratulation again from all member of our staff and thank you for been part of our promotion program.
Best regards, MR RUBEN GARCIA.
Foreign Operational Manager
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
At your disposal, I remain.
Very Truly Yours,
MR PABLO SANCHEZ.
Lottery Co-ordinator.
calle portugal
no 20 fuenlabradaMadrid-España
SPAINWarning!!!: Fraudulent emails are circulating that appear to be using National Lottery addresses, but are not from The National Lottery.PLEASE REPORT IMMEDIATELY TO: CUSTOMER CARE/COMPLAINTS DEPT:CUSTOMERCARE@EXCITE.COM
Friday, July 14, 2006
Riches Seek Me Out
"Did you and Aisha enjoy your honeymoon, Mohammed?"
Good fortune continues to seek me out. Just over a month ago I found I had won $1,843,210 in a lottery in which I didn’t even participate.
Tonight I found riches seeking me out from Iraq, from a Mrs. Aisha Mohammed. Where had I heard that name before? Oh yes, Mohammed and his child bride, Aisha. As we students of religion recall, the man who brought us Jihad also was quite a hand with the ladies, and liked to start them young. Muhammad was 52 and Aisha was 9 when he married her and sexually consummated their marriage.
The ancient Aisha was screwed then, but the modern Aisha wants to reverse roles.
The following is an unedited copy of the email I received today informing me of my good fortune.
"From:Mrs MOHAMMED. Attn:The Managing Director Before I proceed, may I humbly introduce myself to your goodself, My Name is Mrs. Aisha mohammed, an Iraqi refugee ,my husband was until recently, one of the personal aid to the president of Iraq who was formerly overthrown out of power Prior to this last serious crisis that is still ravaging in my country,which recently led to misfortune of our government and my late husband position as the personal aid to the president, ,We inherited the sum of US$11 million.The funds were originally gotten from my late husband proceeds. My late husband was able to safe guard the fund with a very good diplomatic contact from my Country and deposited it in thailand. .I have decided to contact you because I am interested in investing in your country which is investment friendly. Please kindly guide and assist me in making the right investment since I am also interested in buying a residential property as I will be moving with my only son musa in over there as soon as every thing regarding technical and logictics details is worked out and ascertained to our respective satisfaction. In view of your participation,I am ready to give you a good negotiable percentage for your assistance,or better still commit it into viable Joint venture projects with you.,be assured that you stand no risk of any kind as the funds belong to me and my only survived son musa. As soon as I get your consent, we will quickly move this fund to your country for investment . However, upon your acceptance to work as my partner, you can contact me with my private e-mail for more details. , I strongly believe that associating with you to embark on this and other business ventures will derive a huge success here after, please include you private contact telephone number and private e-mail when replying. Yours Sincerely. Mrs.AISHA MOHAMMED. aishamohm2@she.com"
My cup runneth over.
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